Use It Up…

“Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without!”

In keeping with my “Enough” and “Keepin’ it Real” posts, I’ve bought a little less than usual, making a point to look in my pantry, freezer, and deep in the closets of extra bedrooms first! I’m reminded of the slogan featured in the WWII poster, which I first heard long ago from my mother-in-law. She also says, “It’s foolish to throw something out the back door if you will have to go out the front door and buy another one!”

Early in January Sheila Gregoire wrote a good post called “Use What you Have.” The new year is a great time to think about this kind of thing, but we need to be careful to stay in the mindset. I’m still using food out of my freezer. I tend to buy multiple large cuts of meat when they are on sale– like large enough for my whole extended family– but since we more often get together in bits and pieces, I don’t pull the 6-pound pork loin out! But I did just that last week and made it down to a Third Generation meal before it became leftovers. It’s still good, though today I will see how much is left and maybe put the rest back in the freezer in its cooked form.

Now if you bought something and discovered that you hate it, and you can afford to buy something you like better, by all means, do! But get rid of the other– giving it to Goodwill is my standard way to recycle things. Having lots of partially-used products cluttering up your home is not conducive to a peaceful life.

How much money can you save by using what you have instead of buying something new?

Take Care of Your Pennies

A wise man once told Mr X, “Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of themselves.” Mr X worked for this man all through high school and held him in high esteem all his life, so that line has always been a guiding principle for us. You can save money on your home purchase a couple of times in your life, on your cars once every few years, but you can take care of your pennies every day. We have spent a lifetime taking care of our pennies, and it has always paid off!

Let me tell you a little about our financial journey, and what I’ve learned. If you have trouble in this area, I think I can help you!

When we got married, at ages 19 and 21, Mr X was working in a machine shop making $5/hour (but with unlimited overtime!) and I had 12 piano students at $25/month. Not a lot of money, even in 1980 dollars! We had no long-term plan. (Dumb) Our expenses were low, though, and thank You, God, my parents were paying for my college. He had dropped out after 3 semesters. We had already dated 5 years and very quickly I was desperate to have a baby. Mr X said we had to buy a house first, so we began saving as much money as we could. In about 16 months of marriage, we saved $7000! I can’t tell you how, except to say we had a goal that was very important to us.

I laid out of school about a year after Sis was born, until my FIL asked when I was going to go back; that it would be a shame to be so close and not finish. I started back immediately. (Note to self: The words you speak have great power; you never know how much impact they might have on somebody!) I graduated 3 months before the Boy was born, then had Sunshine 16 1/2 months later.

During that period I continued to teach piano lessons and play an occasional wedding. Mr X began working as a carpenter and eventually started his own contracting business, but money was very tight for many years! Here are some things we did that I would advise anybody to do:

• Tithe to your church before you pay anything else.
• Buy less house than you can afford, and do repair and decorating work yourselves.
  We bought a small, older, frame house for $25,000. Our down payment was almost 30%. (Dave Ramsey says don’t buy a house unless you can pay at least 10% down.) Do you remember the interest rates in 1982? 17%!!! I’m pretty sure Dave would have said wait a while lol! We refinanced when the rates went down, and paid extra when we could. We gradually painted and wallpapered, replaced flooring, and in a large project expanded the original 900 or so square feet to 1200, replaced the siding and put insulation (there was none), replaced the roof and windows. We did almost all the work ourselves and didn’t borrow any money.
• Take anything free that anyone offers you. If your pride rears up, remind yourself that you are being so environmentally responsible! Don’t be picky– just take it! You can pass it on if it won’t work for you, but if you say no, they might quit offering.
  Clothes
  I probably didn’t buy any new clothes for my kids! My sister’s 2 girls are right ahead of mine, and friends had kids older and younger. Then I passed them on to friends with smaller children. We just passed them around.
  Food
  When we had a church dinner and there was food left, the kitchen helpers would often ask if we wanted it–and of course we did! Even if its more than you can use now, freeze some for later. Grow some yourselves– a great activity for the kids, too!
• Don’t be picky about gifted furniture and big stuff.
  We were given a table and hutch, a living room set, and a 1/2 ton truck from non-family members! Relatives passed on vacuums, a dining room set, and bedroom furniture, plus some family heirlooms from grandparents: a roll-top desk, a cedar chest, and 2 rocking chairs.
• Buy as good quality as you can afford in things that will last.
  Mr X was in the construction business, and he relied on his tools. He learned quickly that it was smarter to spend more for better quality, and he has kept that philosophy forever, whether its kitchen equipment, cameras, or tools. Clothes are an area where you have to decide what you want– if you enjoy shopping, or being trendy is important to you, then it makes sense to buy inexpensive clothes. I hate to shop, so when I find a pair of black pants that fit my short body, I snatch them up and almost don’t care what they cost. Almost. A good rule of thumb is $1 a wearing. If you’ll wear those $50 pants 50 times, that’s okay. And when you’re like me and have clothes older than your students, you are in good shape! Mr X encourages me to get clothes or shoes in more than one color when I find a style and size that works.
• Borrow or rent what you can if you don’t really need or want to own something. Netflix gives you innumerable movies for the price that one might cost. Your library is free, and many libraries offer inter-library loans so they can get books even if they don’t have them on their shelves. If you are tiling your kitchen, using a tile cutter is a good idea. If that’s all you will do, buying one is not.
• Share the cost of high priced items. Mr X and his dad have a mutual-mooching agreement whereby they can use each other’s tools and equipment. *NOTE I understand that the “bro-code” is very particular about sharing tools, and please be extremely careful if you go in together with someone else to purchase something. Be clear about storage, maintenance, loaning, usage, etc. Saving money is not worth losing a friendship.

If you’ve never read any of the Tightwad Gazette books, let me recommend them! They helped me figure out my philosophy.

Enough

In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content– whether well-fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. Philippians 4:12

This post has been rattling around my brain for a long time now. Talks about the “fiscal cliff,” trying to choose Christmas presents, finding homes for the new Christmas presents, and New Year’s resolution planning have brought it to the front of my mind again.

In my First World Problem post, I touched on the problem that Mr X and I have trying to store all our stuff in our 4 bedroom, 3 bath house. You probably have a similar problem, no matter the size of your house. We tend to accumulate more and more stuff until it’s packed so tight that nothing else will fit.

How much is enough?

How many pairs of shoes do I need? Costume jewelry earrings and necklaces? Blouses, dresses, and pants? Sets of dishes? Pots and pans? Christmas decorations?

Around Christmas and birthdays, my mother-in-law (Granny) sometimes opens up her cabinet doors and lets us pick some glassware treasures. This year I got some pieces of pineapple floral depression glass. The creamer and sugar belonged to one of Mr X’s great grandmothers and the bowl to another. I have several dishes that belonged to his ancestors (mine too) and I treasure them. But what will my great grandchildren have from me? Of all the stuff I have, what is special enough to become heirlooms? When you have so much, all of it can lose its special-ness. I’ve been to so many estate sales and wondered how the family could let some of the things go, but there’s just not room to keep everything. So they keep the things that are inherently valuable and expensive, or else the things that meant a lot to their loved one, or evokes some memory of that person.

I feel the need to begin to accumulate less and treasure more.

I never knew any of my grandparents, but from what I’ve read, I’ve gathered that back in the day, ladies oftentimes had *A* church dress and *A* pair of dress shoes. They were probably relatively more expensive than the ones I buy on sale at Cato or Dress Barn, and great care was taken to make them last.

Does having all that stuff make us any happier than our grandmothers were? And what price are we paying for it? Are you unable to do money-saving activities because your job saps too much of your time and energy? I am. Do you feed your family fast food meals because you are too tired to shop and cook? I do. Are we working so we can eat out, pay for child care, and pay for our work clothes?

What would happen to our nation’s economy if we bought only as much as we needed? I’m not saying don’t buy anything but necessities; I’m stressing the QUANTITY, not whether something is a want or a need.  Could we be satisfied with, say, 10 pairs of shoes instead of 20? Five pairs of really good, well-fitting slacks, and a couple of pairs of jeans instead of twice that? Instead of buying (and storing) books and movies, rent or borrow them?  If we find something we like better than what we have, and decide it’s worth the cost, fine! Buy it, but then give the replaced item away. I think our need to accumulate new and reluctance to let go of the old is a symptom of some sort of spiritual problem, maybe a lack of trust that God will take care of us.

What if we decided that we have enough? Less would need to be produced and sold. People would require less money for consumable purchases, freeing up money for savings, giving, or building. We could pay off our debts. Maybe we could quit our jobs and stay home!

What a lifestyle change!

• I will have to reign in my tendency to buy something that’s on sale and only “okay,” and instead buy only what I love.
• Shopping can’t be a pastime, because I know when I go I’ll see something that I never knew I needed till I saw it!
• I’ll have to recognize advertising for what it is, and pay attention to the items advertised (is this something I’ve been looking for?) instead of the message behind it- I’m not good enough, happy enough, pretty enough without this item, but once I get it– and I DESERVE it!– my every need will be met.

I’m in the process of cleaning out closets, drawers and cabinets. A local lady is sponsoring a garage sale to benefit the families of the Sandy Hook shooting, and I’m donating. And then I’m going to be very selective about what else I bring in my world.

What the Bible says about the accumulation of stuff and finding “enough”:

Those who love money [possessions] will never have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness! Ecclesiastes 5:10

If you find honey, eat just enough–too much of it, and you will vomit. Proverbs 25:16 [I realize this is not about material goods but I think the concept probably applies-- be satisfied with enough.]

Better to have little, with fear for the LORD, than to have great treasure and inner turmoil. Proverbs 15:16

Just Do It

I love the promise of a new year– a fresh start, a second chance. It is a good time for reflection of the year passed, and assessment of it: not to beat ourselves up over disappointments and failures, or brag on ourselves for our successes, but to use the lessons we’ve learned from all of them to help determine our road map for the next year.

I particularly enjoy seeing worksheets and master plans– they give order and manageability to a potentially overwhelming task. And now with Pinterest, I’m in new-year-plan heaven! Therein lies my problem.

As long as I’m obsessing over which plan to use, or what task to give priority to, or how to implement the plan, I’m not DOING anything. I tend to operate at 1 of only 2 speeds: running, usually at work, and laid out on the couch. I have the perfectionistic difficulty of doing something unless I can do it all, preferably in an ordered, scheduled manner.

James tells us to be doers of the Word, and not hearers only. I have to adapt that Scripture to myself. DO it! Don’t wait for the perfect plan or perfect time. If the window is dirty, take 5 minutes and clean it, even if you haven’t dusted and vacuumed, or picked up the rest of the house or even the room. Clean and straighten a single drawer or a shelf, even if it will take a week to get the closet done. Remember, every little helps.

Make plans for 2013. Call them resolutions, or not. But don’t get so hung up on planning that you don’t DO.

Are you planning for the new year? Without a vision, the people perish!

Avoiding Exhaustion at Christmastime

The holidays are a time for wonderful memories to be made, families to enjoy, new recipes to try, gifts to be bought and wrapped, houses to decorate, crafts to make, programs to produce and perform in, services to attend, parties to host… and that’s in addition to your job, child-rearing, laundry, and other full-time, year-round jobs. They are a set-up for exhaustion!

Join me at A Biblical Marriage to read more about avoiding exhaustion, and ruining your Christmas. It takes some soul-searching, and some hard decisions sometimes. But the alternative is worse!

I’m Just a Girl who Cain’t Say No

Or at least I USED to be. I’ve struggled with it for years, because I would like to do so much more than my schedule, energy, and priorities allow.

Come on over to A Biblical Marriage and read my post about Overcoming Overcommitment during the holiday season– quite a challenge! And you can listen to Ado Annie while you read!

Auntie Em’s Really Complicated Recipe for Fruit Salad

GOTCHA! This is actually the easiest one you’ll find, but it’s my favorite!

Start with cans (or home canned if you have them) of pineapple (chunked or crushed), peaches, pears, and mandarin oranges, a jar of maraschino cherries, and an apple. I like to use fruit in juice only (except the cherries!), but you can use whatever kind you like.

Open and drain all the cans. Cut the peaches and pears into bite-sized pieces. I sometimes do this in the strainer while they are draining, or right in the can.  Dump them in a large bowl.

Spoon some cherries in. Add some more! If your kids are like mine were, they fight over the cherries.  For heaven’s sake, don’t drain THIS juice! You can actually pour a little in the salad, to give it a pink rosy color and extra sweet taste.

Wash, then chop the apple. I like to leave the peel for a bit more color. Here’s how I do it. Quarter the apple.

Turn the quarter at an angle and cut off the core.

Slice each quarter lengthwise into 3 pieces. Cut these slices crossways into 4 pieces, for a total of 12 bites per quarter.

Then dump the apple in.

Stir it all up! If you have a while for it to marinate, put it in a ziplock bag, and turn it occasionally so the juices will soak up. Serve it in a pretty bowl.

You can add chopped pecans, Cool Whip (I usually use real whipped cream but somehow that doesn’t seem good for this), coconut, a honey-lime dressing, or anything else extra that sounds good to you– or leave it just like this!

Roasted Holiday Turkey

At our house, nothing says Thanksgiving and Christmas like turkey and dressing. I’ve somehow become the turkey girl — I’m glad because it’s very easy. Buying more than one when they are available and inexpensive is a good idea– they are still good to eat later in the year!

When you buy a turkey it is usually frozen. There will be thawing instructions on the package, varying depending on the weight of the turkey and the temp of your fridge. I put this one in the fridge Wednestay evening and it still was a bit frozen inside on Sunday morning– so plan ahead! Of course you can thaw it in water or out on the countertop, but it’s not recommended.

Open the package in the sink– there will be lots of liquid that will make a mess if you don’t.

Now let’s get cooking!  I use Ina Garten’s herb butter recipe to start:

Preheat your oven to 375, and get out a shallow pan with a rack. (If you don’t have a rack, make your own with carrots and celery– the bonus is your juice will be extra flavored!)

In a small bowl, stir up 1 stick of butter, softened (You can use olive oil instead, or part olive oil and part butter if you want a little healthier choice– it won’t brown as well though.)

Add 1 tsp salt, pepper, and minced garlic

Add 1 TBS finely chopped fresh sage, basil, rosemary, parsley, and oregano. If you use dried herbs, crumble the leaves up and use about half as much.

Now, gently pry the skin away from the breast as far as you can. Get clumps of herb butter and spread under the skin. Then spread over all the skin, evening out the butter under the skin as you smear it around. Sprinkle some more salt and pepper on if you want to. I like lots!

Now put him in to roast. Use the guidelines on the bag according to the weight. There is also a ton of “minutes per pound” info on the Interweb… I think I started checking this one after 3 1/2 or 4 hours. Now here’s the problem with a whole turkey and a deep pan like mine: (see it over by the sink?) The breast was over 180 degrees (remember how I love my meat thermometer) and brown and beautiful, but the bottom parts weren’t cooked all the way. After it cooled enough to handle it, I cut the breast meat off, flipped the whole thing over and put it back in the oven for another half hour or so. I have a convection oven, so I’m not sure if using a shallower pan would have prevented the uneven cooking?? For tomorrow (Thanksgiving day at Granny’s) I’m just cooking a breast. It’s still 8 pounds, all we’ll need, and much easier!

Save your juices, then use them in gravy. And for heaven’s sake, after you cut the meat off the bones, BOIL THEM! Put them in the crock pot overnight. You will get some of the most flavorful broth you’ve ever tasted. Then boil them again and you’ll get some more. I don’t know how many times you could do that; I stop after 2 times.

This was all that was left– it was a hit!

 

An Explosive Combination

The past few weeks I’ve written several posts at A Biblical Marriage, trying to negotiate the dangerous “minefield” of holiday stresses– finances and  traditions, and unrealistic expectations so far, overcommitment and exhaustion to come. But I realized I had more to say, because when you mix it all together it can really cause explosions!

Traditions provide continuity and a fun staple of family memories, but it’s unreasonable to expect them to remain the same forever. Sandy Coughlin wrote a great post about when it’s time to change, and included this profound statement:

“Tradition is a beautiful thing if it doesn’t overwhelm you. But with traditions come a lot of expectations. And with failed expectations come a lot of stress and guilt.”                                       The Reluctant Entertainer

I was seriously upset the year my kids decided to ditch a tradition that I loved. Our first house was a small frame house on piers. We had a large gas space heater that normally kept us plenty warm in our temperate southeast Texas winters. However one year it was freakishly cold, dipping into the teens, so we left the heater on that Christmas eve, shut off Sis’s bedroom, and moved her to a pallet on the floor where Sunshine and the Boy had bunk beds. Well of course they all ended up on the floor and had a big slumber party. It was an accidental start to a tradition that lasted several years, and I just *LOVED* it. It seemed so like the Waltons!

Fast forward to 1995. We moved to a larger brick house with central heating. All the kids — ages 10, 11, and 14–had their own rooms. When I started talking about getting the music room ready for them to sleep there they all let me know really quick that they wanted no part of that lame idea! Sweet and fun as it was, its time had passed, but Mom wasn’t ready for it to go. (I did let it go, but pouted about it.)

Any time something changes– it could be the ages of your children, the height of your ceilings (We had to stop having a 9′ tree.); the time your Sunday School starts (this was a killer; we had to stop having pancakes on Sunday morning!); or family members’ jobs, you might have to change and adapt your expectations. We don’t “do our tree” with the kids on Christmas morning after breakfast anymore, but I still fix our “Christmas morning casserole” and Mr X’s parents come eat with us.

Another area we can have a lot of unrealistic expectations is in the area of finances. If you are living on a shoestring and barely making ends meet through the year, it’s silly to expect a huge haul of gifts for the children (or ourselves) at Christmas, but we still do it sometimes. Those insecurities about our parenting slip in and we can feel like parenting failures if we can’t get our kids the latest big thing. Be careful about this!

Now let’s get personal. We all have “rules,” ideas that we think should be carried out. They are the cause of many upsets in marriages. Back at A Biblical Marriage, LeRoy and Gina wrote a great post about figuring out their vacation rules in Tips for Successful Travel with a New Spouse. Scott wrote a hilarious one about choosing our battles. Sometimes we don’t realize what our rules are until they are broken; we are furious, and our spouse is bewildered! Know your rules, and figure out if they are worth keeping. Here’s a true story of my best friend:

The first year she and her husband were married, she thought they should make and decorate Christmas cookies. She mixed them up, rolled them out, and they were ready to go. He was watching football or something and wasn’t interested. She was furious and dumped them all in the trash! He was flabbergasted and didn’t have a clue what he had done wrong.

The holidays seem to magnify any weakness we have or that we see, and they make for some of the most stubborn ideas about what the rules are. Have you seen family misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and fights over these issues? I’ve seen several.

• I have to cook ALL the food, from scratch. (Result: I’m exhausted, and if you don’t eat it all I take it as a personal affront and am mad at you.)
• My sister got a diamond necklace for Christmas and I want one too. (Oops… didn’t budget for that, so I guess we go into debt, or have a resentful wife and a husband who feels inadequate because he can’t get his wife what she wants, which can both spiral into bigger problems.)
• You stayed with your in-laws LAST Christmas.. it’s our turn! (Keeping score is a sure way to result in family strife.)
• I’ve got so many parties to go to, programs to decorate for, rehearse, and perform in, that when I finally get home, I’m too exhausted to give my husband and children the attention they need. (What is my first priority supposed to be?)
• We have to eat Thanksgiving dinner ON Thanksgiving Day at noon. (Oh well. The Boy works in a Country Club restaurant and holidays are some of their biggest days. If we stuck to that rule, we would miss out on him.)
• We have to have a whole turkey and Grandma’s dressing. None of that new-fangled Food Network stuff!

You get the idea. Avoid Holiday Explosions! Examine yourself and figure out your rules. See how they measure up to THE rules. Adjust yours if necessary. Be flexible and understanding. Extend grace! Remember the Reason we are celebrating, after all, and pray that everything you say and do will point people TO Him and not AWAY from Him.

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!

2 Corinthians 9:15

Don’t Play

What did your mama tell you to do when a playmate was being mean? “Don’t play with them.”

Even though the ways of being mean change as we become adults, your response should be the same. Don’t play. I’m talking today about people with manipulative behavior and unrealistic expectations. Manipulators have their own set of unspoken rules, and they want them to remain unspoken! But nobody has the right to make your life miserable. You’ve been playing by their unspoken, changing-with-however-they-feel rules. I’ve seen so many of my friends beat themselves up with guilt and misery, when they are not the ones misbehaving. It’s time for YOU to quit playing!

Steven Covey, in his WONDERFUL book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, said a situation should be “win-win or no-play.” In other words, emotionally healthy, effective people strive to create situations that are good for everyone, not just themselves. Manipulators are self-centered, usually insecure folks who need to control others in order to feel good about themselves. But they can win this game only if you agree to play.

Parents can be the worst about not playing fair, I think because they miss the “…man shall leave his father and mother, and become one flesh [with his wife]…” passage in Genesis 2. Scripture clearly indicates that, even though we still honor our parents, they are no longer our priority relationship. The rules are supposed to change as the children grow up, and, as parents, it’s sometimes difficult to let go and adjust.

• Exhibit A: Marie Barone, from Everybody Loves Raymond, whom we all recognize as over-the-top control-freak mother-in-law.
• Exhibit B: the mother who eases into a tradition (maybe it’s lunch every Saturday, or visiting every weekend, or something else NICE) that you feel like has you in a stranglehold.

Now, honestly, many times we just imagine that we might rock the boat and cause a shipwreck if we change the plans, and they would be fine with it– they are just doing whatever it is because they are able to and you all enjoy it. But when they EXPECT you to do it because they think you OWE it to them, and you begin to resent it, and want to do something else once in a while, it’s time to do just that. If you think she might freak out, give plenty of advance warning: “Hey Mom, on the 20th we’ve been invited to xyz, and I wanted to let you know ahead of time so you can make other plans.”

Look for these types of red flags in parent/child relationships– I’ve actually seen both parents and children be the manipulators in different situations:

1. Your parent (or child) asks for money but refuses to discuss his spending habits. Healthy relationship: Don’t lend money. Give it if you can and want to, and if they need it more than once, step in and work out a budget with them. For heaven’s sake, don’t cosign a loan.

2. Your parent demands that you provide transportation for all doctor visits, arrange medication, perhaps provide household help or coordinate services, but refuses to do what the doctors order. Or refuses to allow you access to medical records, or to talk to the doctors, so that you can have an accurate picture of the situation. Healthy relationship: If you are a partner in part of their health care, you are a full partner.

3. Your parent demands phone calls, visits, or other attention in such an amount that your husband and children complain about not seeing you. Healthy relationship: God, your husband, your children are your top priorities. (Again, as I’ve said before, I’m not talking about special seasons of illness; I’m talking about normal everyday living.) You shouldn’t neglect your family for your parents.

4. Your mom says you are don’t love her and are a selfish daughter because you neglect her, or don’t do what she wants you to do. Healthy relationship: If you are honoring your parents; you communicate regularly; they are well cared for; your OBLIGATION is done. You might ask, “What would you like me to do? How can I show my love for you?” You might just be not speaking her love language, but then again she might want you to quit your job, leave your family, and move in with her so you can wait on her hand and foot. But I bet she won’t say that. If she says she wants you to come by every day, that might be unreasonable. You can tell her that you can’t, but that you can on Mondays and Thursdays, and you will call to check on her the other days. If she gripes and complains, say, “I’m sorry; I’ll talk to you when you are in a better mood,” and cut the visit short.

Coworkers and other adults can play the same kind of controlling games; only the details are different. This can be tricky to spot– it’s all about the attitude on both sides. Sometimes, somebody else making all the decisions is a good thing! They might just be people that like to take care of things, and be perfectly open to suggestions, only nobody has said anything to them. It becomes a problem when the one in charge is doing it to get a feeling of power, and the other is unhappy with the choices. Do you recognize these people?

1. When you travel, she chooses the hotel, restaurants, activities, and gets first choice of the bed EVERY TIME.

2. If you have a manipulator in your book club, she will choose the book. In your music group, he’ll pick the songs. In any group, he’ll monopolize the conversation and always have better–or worse!– stories than you, smarter kids than you, and a more spectular illness than you! In your supper club, she’ll choose the menu and tell you what to bring. In the office, she’ll set the thermostat and choose the coffee creamer, and never ask anyone else’s opinion about anything.

3. Somebody in your church knows which guilt buttons to push to get you to do whatever job is empty. (HINT: Jesus never used guilt as a motivator and neither should His people.)

So how do you not play?

• Be prepared. They won’t like your changing the rules. But you are going to be playing by THE rules, not THEIR rules.
• Pray about it. Ask God for wisdom. (James 1:5)
• Get counsel from healthy people who have good relationships.
• Read some good Christian books dealing with healthy relationships. One of the life-changers for me was Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

One of my old pastors said, “No control equals no responsibility.” I think he was talking about grown kids, but it works with parents as well.

1. If your grown child calls asking for a bailout, say no. If you’ve established a pattern of bailouts, you might say, “I will do it this time, but if you ask again [either NO] or [we will work out a budget and I'll need access to all your accounts.]” Don’t say it’s not your business. If they are asking for your money, it’s your business.

2. If your friend does any of those manipulative actions, decide what matters to you. (If the brand of coffee doesn’t matter to you, let them “win” on that one. It won’t hurt you.) Then take a stand. I like the plan-ahead strategy; it takes emotion out of the equation. “Hey, when we go out to eat next time, I’d like to try xyz,” or “We’re burning up in here! I’m turning down the air!” If the manipulator has a cow, offer her your jacket.

3. When the committee chair calls to ask if you’ll do xyz, say you’ll get back after you pray about it. Then do. And talk to your husband. God does not call you to neglect your husband so you can serve other people.

4. You might have to put some distance between the manipulator and you, at least until he has become “retrained” to play by healthy rules. Don’t feel guilty. He might talk about you behind your back, or tell lies about you. Oh well. People did that about Jesus too. You’ll be in good company.

Please share how you have dealt with these difficult people in your life!