Got Patience?

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”  ~ Galatians 5:22-23 NAS

Do you need an extra dose of patience in your marriage? Most of us do, because when we are at home, we often take off our masks– a good thing! But that means that our spouses sometimes bear the brunt of the jabs and snarls we have been holding back from everybody else.

Join me over at A Biblical Marriage and let’s talk about the Spiritual Fruit of patience!

 

 

Learn to Swim!

“It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go…and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time…. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy.”
~ Mere Christianity

I read this quote today in a post from the Official C.S. Lewis Facebook page and it immediately jumped into a marriage context! (This was only the 2nd time that something has triggered a post in this manner since my husband’s accident back in November. I didn’t really realize it at the time, but I’m pretty sure I had another brush with seasonal depression these past few months.)

But I thought about how love grows and changes over many years. New love IS exciting! You can’t wait to see the one you love– you spend hours on the phone, learning about one another, making plans, and finally, just listening to each other breathe because you’ve said all you can think of but you can’t bear to hang up the phone. But at some point, all that changes. (Funny real life coincidence: This week one of my teacher friends was trying to explain this concept of long-married relationships to her high school seniors who were reading Pride and Prejudice. She told of hours on the phone when she was dating her husband– but said after 15 years of marriage, she’s over listening to him breathe!) Real life steps in. It’s different, but not worse.

Possibly no matter how long you have dated and how well you know each other when you are newlyweds, life is exciting when you are newly married– the parties and showers, the wedding and honeymoon,  a new place to live, SEX (sorry Sis and Sunshine), making plans for the future, etc. It’s all very energizing. But at some point, things change. You get cramps. He goes in his man cave. You both get tired and cranky. You have arguments, and make up. You work together on your home. Maybe you do something terribly unglamorous like changing out a toilet or dig up a sewer line. You nurse one another through illnesses. You become FAMILY. The everyday-ness of ordinary life becomes the norm. (I wrote a post about joy displayed as a fruit of the Spirit in marriage through hard times, a similar idea.)

It happens very gradually, but it will happen. And hopefully, you will recognize it and not fight it (“endlessly [and hopelessly] trying to get back the feeling”), but appreciate it for what it is: “learning to swim,” not “paddling like you did.” You develop true intimacy. Not just sexual intimacy, but emotional and spiritual intimacy. You become one another’s most trusted confidante and biggest fan. You know each other’s greatest strengths and trust each other with your greatest weaknesses. You fail one another and even hurt one another, but then you forgive and work to grow closer. You experience life together, secure in the knowledge that you are FOR each other, no matter what. Forever.

This song goes perfectly. I played it for Mr X the morning of our 30th anniversary. Thanks to our son-in-law (Mr. Sis) who sang it in one of his college recitals and introduced it to me.)

Lessons on Marriage from the Garden

We had a very mild winter here in Southeast Texas, and Spring is creeping in. Lots of early blooms are out– and the weeds are beginning to wake up too. Our neighborhood is called “Enchanted Forest” and before Hurricane Rita, our yard was full of beautiful, mature oak trees. (Now we have a few tall skinny ones left.) Part of having a “forested” yard is that very hardy vines grow alongside those trees, and when you plant shrubs, the vines continue to grow up among them. They are not vulnerable to Round-Up and most foliar weed killers- you have to dig them out, and many times the bulb is WAAAAAYY down deep.

Cross vine is one of our worst invasive vines. When you let it go too long, it will completely strangle a poor azalea bush.

When I finally got around to rescuing this pitiful bush, look at all that came up: there was lots more growing underground that you couldn’t see. Bigger than the bush it had covered up.

Can you guess where this is headed?

This is what a single little crossvine sprig looks like: Innocent enough, right?

But look what’s lurking below: Look very closely to see the leaves and visible growth: Most of it is below ground.

Kelly’s post at Exceptionalistic immediately came to mind when I pulled this rampant weed up by the roots.

Here’s the deal: Lots of time, I counsel you to overlook things. After all, “Love covers a multitude of sins,” (1 Peter 4:8) and “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” (John 8:7). However, you must also LET THEM GO. (Think of hanging the toilet paper the wrong way, or not at all, kicking the sheets out, procrastinating, etc…) If the issue so serious that you can’t let it go, and it interferes with your feelings for your spouse, it needs to be dealt with. Maybe it’s the symptom of a deeper problem- you resent his golf days with his friends not because you don’t want him to spend time with his friends, but you feel neglected. Or maybe there is a lack of transparency in the relationship that shows itself in tiny, unimportant little ways. In these days of separate Facebook accounts, telephones, the all-important “confidentiality” that the medical and insurance worlds insist on, and the blatant “porn mode” internet browsers, it would be very easy to begin to hide things from your spouse.

There are many issues in a marriage that will grow underground, like the roots of my crossvine. Left on their own, they can overtake your whole marriage and choke the life out. You must pull them up by the roots and dig out the bulb. Is it hard? Yep. Painful, tedious? You bet. Will it leave scars? Oh yes.

But our God is the God of comfort, healing, and rejuvenation. He not only gets rid of the problem; he replaces it with something better than it was before!

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners
 … to comfort all who mourn,
  and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:1-3

Find your First Love

Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.

Revelation 2:4-5a

During my recent difficult season I asked God to give me something when He needed me to write, and He did yesterday at church through our preacher! I love it when we can apply general Biblical truths to marriage relationships.

The church at Ephesus had some good things going for it– hard work, perseverance, intolerance of evil, discernment of teachers– but they were going through the motions of church. They’d left their first love, and I take this to mean that they were following the rules but not serving Christ out of love for Him. Marriages– especially ones in the busy child-rearing season or long-term ones– can easily fall into this. You are fond of each other; you have the same interests, activities, and friends; life is pleasant; but there is very little one-on-one intimate interaction. No meeting of the minds or spiritual oneness, nothing that couldn’t occur between you and any other friend. I’ve been there. When children, pets, and jobs are clamoring for your attention, undemanding spouses are easy to neglect. But neglect them too long and you have a dead marriage.

Brother Chuck used the words “remember, repent, and resume” from this Scripture, to apply to any relationship that needs repair. If you are in the difficult position of having an unsatisfying marriage but believe that marriage is for life and divorce is not an option, this can help.

Remember the height from which you have fallen.

Why did you fall in love? What attracted you? Reminisce about fun or funny (or even sad) times that you experienced together. We have a digital picture frame with many of our vacation pictures, and we love watching and remembering. When our kids get together we laugh our heads off over the same funny stories. Share what you remember about happy times. Many times in dead marriages, both partners have withdrawn, and both are afraid to take the first step toward reconciliation. Reminiscing about positive shared experiences will soften hearts.

Remind yourself and your spouse of times when they were wonderful for you. When my mother was in the hospital, comatose for a week before she died, I dropped everything. I knew I could count on my husband to handle everything and everyone at home; I didn’t even consciously think about it. He’s buried dead pets, dug in the sewer, called principals when I couldn’t, opened jar lids, and bought me really nice jewelry! Don’t just think about those nice things, thank him out loud!

Repent

God ordained marriage to represent the union between Christ and his church. He said we were to be one flesh. When we neglect or abuse our marriages, we are being disobedient to Him, and we need to repent. Ask God to reveal what you have done to add to the problem, and ask His forgiveness. You might not be to the point where you feel safe enough to ask your spouse for forgiveness. That’s okay for now.

Do the things you did at first

“Any old dog likes a pat on the head.” Chances are that when you were newlyweds there were lots of sweet words and helpful actions, not to mention sexual intimacy, happening at your house. Both of you were filling up the other’s love tanks without even thinking about it. In tired marriages, many times the love tanks are running on fumes because you have both been too busy doing other things, and taking for granted that your spouse will always be there. It’s easy to do. Don’t beat yourself up about it, but STOP! (Take a minute and imagine that you don’t have them anymore. Nothing like a motorcycle accident to make you appreciate your spouse! As humans, we have a tendency to not “miss the water til the well runs dry.” That leads to so much regret. Don’t wait that long!)

What did you do for your spouse in those early days? Speak sweet words? Cook his favorite meal? Dress yourself nicely? Take better care of yourself? (ouch) Hide notes in his pockets? Do some of those things, even if you don’t feel like it. Brother Chuck reminded us of Philippians 4:8 (Whatever…) but reminded us that 4:9 says DO THOSE THINGS!

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice.

You might ask– am I expected to do things I don’t really feel like doing? (YES) Isn’t that hypocritical? (NO) It’s called discipline. Or good manners. But shouldn’t my spouse do the same thing? Yes, but don’t wait for them to act first. You’re the one who knows what to do now, so YOU start. Chances are, your spouse will reciprocate. But even if he doesn’t, you are doing these things because God said to, and if you are being obedient, He will take care of everything else.

Read up on restoring and nurturing marriages, even if yours is in a good season right now. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, and it needs constant care! There is a ton of good information online. Click on my Christian Marriage Bloggers button to see many good blogs. I highly recommend Sheila Gregoire’s To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. I have a “Revive your marriage” series with some practical ideas. (Three Little Changes is the last one, with links to the 4 others.)

Remember that your spouse is not your enemy. The devil hates marriage and especially hates a happy Christian marriage. You are fighting a spiritual battle when you are fighting for your marriage. Use all the resources and “armor” at your disposal. If you are new to Auntie Em’s, click on my “marriage” category and find many posts. I pray for success in your battle! Please let me know how to pray for you, and share with my readers things you have done to build up your marriage. We have a wonderful community of brothers and sisters who are here to help and support one another.

Armor Up your Marriage

In my last post I wrote about my husband’s motorcycle accident at the end of November, and how his riding gear– a full face helmet, riding gloves and boots, and an armored jacket– saved his skin, and I believe, his life. (Read “Armor Up!” if you missed it.)  I got to thinking how God provides protective armor for us spiritually, and also in our marriages.

Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms… Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:11-12, 14-17

Stand against the devil’s schemes

It’s important to remember that God created and ordained marriage, and it is meant to be an earthly representation of the relationship between Christ and His church. Marriages that follow God’s rules are the foundation of healthy families, which in turn build a Godly society. And our enemy hates everything about marriage. Humans can do plenty of wrong, selfish things on our own, but remember when your spouse has stepped on your last nerve that the devil is scheming against your marriage. Your spouse is not your enemy– Satan is, and all the authorities and powers of this dark world. The armor that protects our spirits can also protect our marriages.

The belt of truth

The other day a salesman counseled Mr X to buy something that was more than he wanted to spend by saying, “Well just buy it and don’t tell your wife!” (He not only didn’t buy it, but told the man that he has too much respect for his wife to do that. WOW!) I remember before I started teaching school, a close friend my mother’s age advised me to write a check for groceries a little over the amount and hold that money aside as “my” money. Telling “little white lies” to your spouse is NOT okay. Neither is neglecting to tell them something you don’t want them to know, or doing something you know they don’t want you to do and hoping they don’t find out. You’re MARRIED. You are ONE FLESH. Don’t keep secrets. Nothing about you is not their business. Deception is like a little tree that grows up between the cracks in a sidewalk; it gets bigger and bigger and eventually breaks the sidewalk to pieces.

The breastplate of righteousness

In addition to general instructions on the Christian way of life, the Bible gives Christians very detailed instructions on how to behave in marriage. (Ephesians 5:22-33; Colossians 3:18-19; 1 Peter 3:1-7 to name a few) In a nutshell: Husbands are to love their wives with Christlike love. Wives are to respect their husbands. They actually submit to one another, loving with servant love, but somebody has to have controlling interest. That’s how I see Biblical submission of wives. The husband has the ultimate authority because his is the ultimate responsibility. I rarely watch TV and one of the big reasons is that I can’t stand the way husbands and dads are belittled and made fun of. Ladies, if you badmouth your husband that is wrong. Men, if you put your own needs ahead of your wife’s, that is wrong. If we want our marriages to be protected by God’s armor, we have to operate by His rule book.

The Gospel of peace

A Christian home should be a place of safety and peace, an oasis in a dry and dusty land!

• Husbands,  love your wives and never treat them harshly. (Ephesians 3:19)
• Wives, remember It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife. (Proverbs 21:19) Beware of husband-bashing parties that sometimes develop when a group of girlfriends get together.

The shield of faith

I know this Scripture is talking about faith in God, but faith in your spouse is an important thing, too. Don’t assume the worst when they say something wrong; look for a different explanation. (Maybe he’s not a self-centered pig; maybe he had a really bad day at work. Maybe she isn’t totally selfish and insensitive to your needs; maybe SHE had a really bad day at work!) Often we put on a happy face out in the world, then really let our hair down at home, with the one we trust the most. Be careful not to take that trust for granted. Give a warning ahead of time if you are “out of sorts” as we say in Texas.

The helmet of salvation

I can’t stretch this one to apply to anything but God. But to put it in a marital context, if you are both believers, you are not only husband and wife, you are brother and sister in Christ. You share a common relationship with your heavenly Father. Everything that Christ exemplified and is written about relationships — selflessness, kindness, forgiveness, longsuffering, etc— also applies in marriages.

Marriages in our world today are subjected to all kinds of hazards, from sick children to leaking dishwashers to lost jobs to infidelity. The protective armor of God can deflect many of these “flaming arrows” and can give us strength to fight the battles that will come. Armor up!

2012 in review

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 90:12

I so love studying statistics! This is cool and thought you might like to see it too. Thank you so much Patty (Thoughts from an American Woman); Juliana (simplyjuliana); Denise (Rejoycin); Kelly (Exceptionalistic) and my own sweet Sunshine for being my top commenters! If you haven’t checked out their blogs yet, please do and you will be in for a treat. I haven’t convinced Sunshine to start one yet…

It has been my prayer this year that I could share what I’ve learned with others, hopefully to save them some time and trouble and maybe help them draw closer to their Heavenly Father; that God will guide me to say what I need to say, and that He will send whoever He wants to read it here. I continue that prayer throughout the next year.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 14,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 3 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Enough

In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content– whether well-fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. Philippians 4:12

This post has been rattling around my brain for a long time now. Talks about the “fiscal cliff,” trying to choose Christmas presents, finding homes for the new Christmas presents, and New Year’s resolution planning have brought it to the front of my mind again.

In my First World Problem post, I touched on the problem that Mr X and I have trying to store all our stuff in our 4 bedroom, 3 bath house. You probably have a similar problem, no matter the size of your house. We tend to accumulate more and more stuff until it’s packed so tight that nothing else will fit.

How much is enough?

How many pairs of shoes do I need? Costume jewelry earrings and necklaces? Blouses, dresses, and pants? Sets of dishes? Pots and pans? Christmas decorations?

Around Christmas and birthdays, my mother-in-law (Granny) sometimes opens up her cabinet doors and lets us pick some glassware treasures. This year I got some pieces of pineapple floral depression glass. The creamer and sugar belonged to one of Mr X’s great grandmothers and the bowl to another. I have several dishes that belonged to his ancestors (mine too) and I treasure them. But what will my great grandchildren have from me? Of all the stuff I have, what is special enough to become heirlooms? When you have so much, all of it can lose its special-ness. I’ve been to so many estate sales and wondered how the family could let some of the things go, but there’s just not room to keep everything. So they keep the things that are inherently valuable and expensive, or else the things that meant a lot to their loved one, or evokes some memory of that person.

I feel the need to begin to accumulate less and treasure more.

I never knew any of my grandparents, but from what I’ve read, I’ve gathered that back in the day, ladies oftentimes had *A* church dress and *A* pair of dress shoes. They were probably relatively more expensive than the ones I buy on sale at Cato or Dress Barn, and great care was taken to make them last.

Does having all that stuff make us any happier than our grandmothers were? And what price are we paying for it? Are you unable to do money-saving activities because your job saps too much of your time and energy? I am. Do you feed your family fast food meals because you are too tired to shop and cook? I do. Are we working so we can eat out, pay for child care, and pay for our work clothes?

What would happen to our nation’s economy if we bought only as much as we needed? I’m not saying don’t buy anything but necessities; I’m stressing the QUANTITY, not whether something is a want or a need.  Could we be satisfied with, say, 10 pairs of shoes instead of 20? Five pairs of really good, well-fitting slacks, and a couple of pairs of jeans instead of twice that? Instead of buying (and storing) books and movies, rent or borrow them?  If we find something we like better than what we have, and decide it’s worth the cost, fine! Buy it, but then give the replaced item away. I think our need to accumulate new and reluctance to let go of the old is a symptom of some sort of spiritual problem, maybe a lack of trust that God will take care of us.

What if we decided that we have enough? Less would need to be produced and sold. People would require less money for consumable purchases, freeing up money for savings, giving, or building. We could pay off our debts. Maybe we could quit our jobs and stay home!

What a lifestyle change!

• I will have to reign in my tendency to buy something that’s on sale and only “okay,” and instead buy only what I love.
• Shopping can’t be a pastime, because I know when I go I’ll see something that I never knew I needed till I saw it!
• I’ll have to recognize advertising for what it is, and pay attention to the items advertised (is this something I’ve been looking for?) instead of the message behind it- I’m not good enough, happy enough, pretty enough without this item, but once I get it– and I DESERVE it!– my every need will be met.

I’m in the process of cleaning out closets, drawers and cabinets. A local lady is sponsoring a garage sale to benefit the families of the Sandy Hook shooting, and I’m donating. And then I’m going to be very selective about what else I bring in my world.

What the Bible says about the accumulation of stuff and finding “enough”:

Those who love money [possessions] will never have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness! Ecclesiastes 5:10

If you find honey, eat just enough–too much of it, and you will vomit. Proverbs 25:16 [I realize this is not about material goods but I think the concept probably applies-- be satisfied with enough.]

Better to have little, with fear for the LORD, than to have great treasure and inner turmoil. Proverbs 15:16

Just Do It

I love the promise of a new year– a fresh start, a second chance. It is a good time for reflection of the year passed, and assessment of it: not to beat ourselves up over disappointments and failures, or brag on ourselves for our successes, but to use the lessons we’ve learned from all of them to help determine our road map for the next year.

I particularly enjoy seeing worksheets and master plans– they give order and manageability to a potentially overwhelming task. And now with Pinterest, I’m in new-year-plan heaven! Therein lies my problem.

As long as I’m obsessing over which plan to use, or what task to give priority to, or how to implement the plan, I’m not DOING anything. I tend to operate at 1 of only 2 speeds: running, usually at work, and laid out on the couch. I have the perfectionistic difficulty of doing something unless I can do it all, preferably in an ordered, scheduled manner.

James tells us to be doers of the Word, and not hearers only. I have to adapt that Scripture to myself. DO it! Don’t wait for the perfect plan or perfect time. If the window is dirty, take 5 minutes and clean it, even if you haven’t dusted and vacuumed, or picked up the rest of the house or even the room. Clean and straighten a single drawer or a shelf, even if it will take a week to get the closet done. Remember, every little helps.

Make plans for 2013. Call them resolutions, or not. But don’t get so hung up on planning that you don’t DO.

Are you planning for the new year? Without a vision, the people perish!

TAKE YOUR MEDICINE

Reblogged from athimblesworthofwisdom:

A Thimble's worth of wisdom

Take Your Medicine!

Hypothetically, if you get sick, go to the doc, and the doc prescribes a medicine to help you get well, would you take the meds? The medicine is proven safe, is legal, has no side effects, and works well. I think most of us would take the doctor's advice to take the medicine.

Read more… 618 more words

Since I haven't been able to get a new post out this week, let me share one from my sweet friend TeeKay-- she sings from the same hymnal that I do-- as a matter of fact, she gave me the hymnal! She's the CEO of my Board of Directors!

Ah, November…

If you’ve read Sunshine’s “substitute” post, or my Facebook page, you know we had a little too much excitement last weekend– my husband, Mr X, was in a serious motorcycle accident while riding with a friend. He’s going to be okay; he spent 3 days in the hospital and has a broken nose and 3 broken ribs. He also had a small pneumothorax (air between the lungs and lining that can lead to a collapsed lung; fortunately his dissipated before we left the hospital) and internal bleeding leading to a large hematoma inside his pelvis. It quit bleeding and will eventually absorb. In the meantime, he’s stiff and sore, and moving slowly, but thank God, he’s moving! His friend was also injured but able to walk– stiffly– away.

I went back to work Thursday and Friday, and haven’t had a minute to write anything, or any spare brain cells that are really working that well– so I decided to do a month-end statistics report. As non-mathematical as I am, somehow I love studying statistics!

Top 5 Posts for November

                                            

1. Auntie Em’s Guide to Lazy Girl Housekeeping      2. Auntie Em’s Cornbread Dressing

                        

3. Give Me a Man                                                      4.    Stormy Weather?

5. He Wasn’t Always My BFF

Top 5 posts since the beginning (August 31, 2012)

1. He Wasn’t Always My BFF

                            

2. Actually, It’s NOT All About You         3.  Three Little Changes

4. Be Anxious for Nothing

5. Auntie Em’s Guide to Lazy Girl Housekeeping

The most shared posts since the beginning

1. Actually, It’s NOT All About You

2. Auntie Em’s Grilled Pork Loin, AKA The Truth Will Set You Free

           

3. Granny’s Cornbread                             4.  A First-World Problem

5. Thank You, Dave Ramsey

Check out some of these posts if you haven’t yet, and hopefully this week I will get some new words down. In the meantime, I appreciate all your prayers, and please keep them up! As I said on my Facebook page, the fellowship of believers (All over the world!!) is a sweet and powerful thing!